I wish there was such a thing as a sex prescription. A rec letter, like for weed. Something like that.
Because I feel like the thing I need, at least one of the things I need to make me feel healthy, happy, and whole, would be to have sex one or two times day. Maybe three sometimes. Let's call it ten doses a week, give or take.
And please, do not leave me to some bottom of the barrel ditch weed. I think I deserve better, and this is why I do without. I just can't bring myself to pay for it, and even if I could, I couldn't afford it. From what I gather, that sort of thing costs about $200 or so per encounter, so we're talking about $8k/month, at least $1k for just the threshold of what I need.
Then there's all the social and spiritual evil behind that, the risks of disease, the law, of Guido the Killer Pimp. No thank you. I would rather starve than be responsible for putting another human in that position. I would rather not stick my dick anywhere it is not enthusiastically welcomed.
And that would make me feel like shit anyway, like a charity case. I would like that to come from a partner who wants me, or at least the sex, as much as I do, someone with whom I can feel like I'm giving as well. I guess I could bend to some extent on that point, but I would at least like to feel like equals and not feel pathetic about it.
But there is no sensible way to go about that, and so I do without. For most of the last year and a half at this point.
I just feel too defeated and rejected to make more than a half-hearted attempt with any potential partner, and I really haven't even met anyone since the monkey that excites me enough that I feel like I'm missing out on anything truly significant.
It's not even just the intercourse itself, even, it's the touching and cuddling and kissing and all that stuff. The sleeping together. You don't get that stuff when you pay for it, or so I gather, at least not without paying a lot more.
I need it like a drug, and I don't mean in the sense of addiction and getting high, I mean drug in the sense of medicine. But without the context of a partner that I can connect with and care about, if it was some sort of "exchange," it would just be disgusting and disheartening.
I just feel like - and perhaps I am deluding myself - if I had that, so many things in my life would be easier. I would find it easier to get up and get inspired to do my work. I would find it much easier to do without the drugs and cigarettes. Perhaps not entirely abstaining from them, but not needing so much at least. I think I would be able to get out and get some exercise.
You know, it just occurred to me two nights ago, I've been living downtown for something like six years and it has never occurred to me once to look up dance classes downtown. I'm starting to look now, and maybe I can find some ballet classes within a reasonable bus distance of my home.
I just feel so dead and hopeless without that. I need someone to come along and fuck me back to life. I certainly can't ask for it. I don't know how, I don't think anyone would understand me properly, I'm quite certain I would be misunderstood and disrespected if I tried.
So. I do without.
I don't think there's anyone reading this journal. I can think of a few people who know about it who might be reading. One or two might even be in a position to fill my prescription.